


Depression

by flootzavut



Series: Five Stages [4]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Angst, Denial, Depression, Five Stages of Grief, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rage eats a chicken, References to Sexual Situations, Unresolved Emotional Tension, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-24 02:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18160019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Just when he'd gotten used to the security of it, it seems like the whole thing is cracking down one side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pr0serpina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pr0serpina/gifts), [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).



* * *

_**Depression** _

* * *

 

Hawkeye thought he knew Trapper as well as anyone could know anyone else, but lately he's not so sure. He thought they'd navigated the worst of all the confusion and misunderstanding of three people trying to somehow fit into one relationship in one small tent. Just when he'd gotten used to the security of it, it seems like the whole thing is cracking down one side. Trapper's side.

There are a whole bunch of things Hawk no longer understands. Most of all, he doesn't understand how Trap is so eager for intimacy, then vanishes or acts like he wishes BJ and Hawkeye would get transferred. (Probably to somewhere in China.)

Hawk doesn't get it.

He can put his finger exactly on the breaking point, but he still can't figure out why it was what made something snap. Trapper asked Beej to fuck him, practically begged for it, and both his fear and excitement were palpable. Hawk still can't quite believe Trap wanted it, never mind wanted it enough to ask _BJ_ , but even though he hardly believed it was happening, it was... amazing.

They took care of Trap, took it slow and gentle, and the look of incandescent rapture on his face when Beej was all the way inside him... _God_. Hawk will never forget. He was sure they'd sealed the deal, was so sure it was all gonna be okay.

Then after, Trap curled up into himself, wouldn't let them talk to him, much less touch him. He left BJ horrified, asking Hawk desperately if he'd done the worst thing imaginable. For once, it was BJ crying in Hawk's arms.

(Trap didn't talk to BJ for a full week; Hawk never thought BJ would be so unhappy about having less Trapper John in his life.)

It's cockeyed. Some days Hawk wants to shake Trap and yell 'What the fuck has gotten into you, John McIntyre?' right in his face. Hawk's so... so scared by all of it. He just doesn't _get_ it. Sure, it's not easy being queer, but Trap obviously is, and they both are too. Outside this tent is one thing, but in here there's acceptance and solidarity, and yet Trap won't take hold of it.

And worse than that, now it's as if Trap's given up. As if there's something wrong but he's stopped even trying to put it right. He's just bouncing back and forth between extremes and letting life do what it wants to him. That's not the Trap Hawk's known since before they even got to Korea. He feels like he's losing his best friend.

"It's like all the fight's gone out of him," BJ says when they're alone in the Swamp one night, his voice low and worried.

Hawk is simultaneously terrified (BJ's right, he's nailed it, and who the hell is Trapper John with no fight, no spit and vinegar?) and so damn touched and warmed that BJ cares so much. Beej and Trap may never be best pals, but even Trap might admit that he cares about BJ if they fed him enough martinis, and BJ doesn't even try to hide that he cares about Trap.

(If it weren't for BJ... Hawk wouldn't survive this.)

"I wish I knew what was wrong."

BJ doesn't respond, though the silence is full of things they aren't saying.

"What're you thinking?" Hawk asks eventually.

There's another long purse. "I'm not sure he's really attracted to women at all," Beej whispers at last, and he sounds so serious, but Hawk wants to laugh at the absurdity of it.

"Beej, come on. He's slept with more nurses than I have. He has a wife and two kids, for God's sake."

Beej shrugs. "If all your life you're told that's what you're supposed to do, supposed to want... don't you think it's weird how easily he slips in and out of bed so casually with so many women, but kissing you can take him apart at the seams?"

"Maybe that's just me," Hawk says with a grin.

"You know, your modesty is just one of the things I love about you," BJ says drily.

Hawk tugs him in for a kiss, and they both laugh into it.

"You're saying that's not enough to take you apart?" Hawk asks when they surface, mock-indignant.

Beej laughs again. It's breathless and beautiful. "Yeah, but so's kissing Peg," he says. "Far as I can tell, John's never had that... you know, chemistry before. Or at least, not with a woman."

"No?"

"You remember that night when he started a fight in the O-Club?"

Hawk nods.

"Before he went off to cause havoc, we were talking about this stuff, and- well. He might sleep with women, but that's it. He doesn't feel like that about women. At all, from what he told me. I asked him if kissing me was more like kissing you or kissing Louise. And he said you."

"Well... that doesn't mean anything. Kissing two guys has gotta be more similar than kissing a woman, right?"

"Not physically, I mean... his reactions to it, you know? Kissing a woman is just kissing, to him. Even kissing his wife. Kissing a guy - well look, Hawk, you've seen what being kissed even by me does to him."

"But... but he chases after the nurses worse than I do-"

"And has no interest in them besides getting off, right?" Beej shakes his head. "I dunno, Hawk. I don't remember everything we said, okay, we were pretty loaded, but... he talks about Louise like his best friend, and he talks about you like his wife. Like I talk about Peg." There's a pause. "Or like I talk about you."

BJ's tone makes Hawk feel shy all of a sudden. It's not many people who can make him bashful, but Beej does it without even trying. "Oh." He really would marry this man if he could, and the idea should be a hell of a lot scarier then it actually is. Belonging to BJ Hunnicutt wouldn't be so bad. He tucks himself down into BJ's chest, into the security and warmth of BJ's embrace. "Beej?"

"Mmhm?"

"I love you."

BJ's chuckle is just a shaking in his body and a puff of air against Hawk's hair. "I love you too."

"What can we do about Trap?"

Beej lets out a long, soft breath. "I don't know, Hawk. I guess we just keep trying to show him he's loved."


	2. Chapter 2

Hawk thought Trap had a date, so when he sees Trap on his cot instead, curled up in a tight little ball, he stops short. BJ walks right into him then wraps his arms around Hawk's waist. "What?"

Hawk tips his head toward the lump in Trap's cot which is only distinguishable from dirty washing because of his curly hair and the slight movement of his breathing.

"Oh," Beej says, voice gentling.

They stand there for a moment, just watching. Hawk leans back into BJ's embrace; he both wants to stay in BJ's arms and wants to go love on Trap, to try and fix whatever's gone wrong.

"Beej," he starts, but he doesn't know how to continue.

BJ squeezes Hawk a little closer and presses a kiss to his neck, soft and affectionate and all the things Hawk loves about him. "Go look after him," he whispers. "I'll..." He shrugs. "I'll run interference. Keep a lookout. He needs you right now."

Hawk opens his mouth, but he doesn't know how to express his gratitude, so he turns around and goes in for a proper kiss, tries to make it hold all the things he can't find words for. "I love you," he says when they surface.

Beej smiles, the tender little smile Hawk's seen only for himself and when Beej is writing or talking to Peg. "I love you too," he says; then, grin turning wry, "Go look after your boyfriend."

Hawk shakes his head (he is the luckiest fucker) and presses his face into the centre of BJ's chest for a second, breathes in deep. BJ makes him feel stronger and more brave. "Thank you." Then he turns and crosses the tent to Trap's cot.

Trap's still knotted up tight, like he's trying to hide, and when Hawk touches his shoulder, he shrugs the hand away. Once upon a time, Hawk would've recoiled like he'd been bitten, would've slunk back to his own cot, sad and mortified. He has more confidence now, though. He might not understand what's going on in Trap's head, but he has no intention of leaving Trap to face it alone.

He climbs underneath the blanket, wraps himself around Trap as best he can, and holds on tight.

It's like trying to cuddle a brick.

Even before, when Trap ran hot and cold, when Hawk never knew which version of Trap he was gonna get, there was always a response when they touched. Now he's got Trapper bundled up as close and tight as possible, but besides that one feeble attempt to shake him off, Trap hasn't moved except to breathe.

Hawk's never known Trap to be this folded in on himself, this closed down. Even back when Beej fucked him, they knew something was wrong by how he reacted. Now he's not reacting at all. It's scary, but Hawk doesn't know what to do except keep holding on and being here.

He doesn't know how long it takes. It seems like hours. He doesn't even know what he's waiting for, but he recognises it when it happens, when Trap softens in his embrace and starts shaking.

"It's okay," Hawk whispers. "It's okay. I'm here. I've got you." The irony is not lost on him that it's the same kind of thing BJ used to say to Hawk when he started being Hawk's comforter, when Trap was- well, what he was. What he somehow isn't anymore. Hawk still doesn't understand quite how it happened, though he relishes that what they have is so much deeper and kinder and more real now.

(He loves BJ for all sorts of reasons, but even if there were nothing else, he'd still love BJ for his part in this.)

Trap doesn't seem to be crying, he's just shaking, bone deep shudders, silent and unrelenting. Maybe he's just that scared. Hawk runs his hand up and down Trap's arm, kisses his neck, hooks an ankle around his, tries to say with his body that he's not going anywhere. "I'm here, Trap. I've got you."

Eventually Trap squirms around in Hawk's embrace and presses his face to Hawk's chest like Hawk did to Beej. Maybe even for a similar reason. He's still vibrating with tension, but he's not coming apart at the seams anymore, even if his arm is like a vise around Hawk's waist.

"It's okay," Hawk says again. "It's okay, you're okay. You're safe, I love you."

Trap's shoulders heave with emotion. "Oh _God_ , Hawk."

He sounds anguished. Hawk isn't sure what it is that got the reaction, so he stays quiet, rubbing Trap's back, slow and reassuring, then gently stroking his hair.

It's another long while, then Trap takes a couple deep breaths, and finally whispers, "I love Louise," so quietly. "I love her, I do. But I- Hawk, I-" He shakes his head and digs his fingers into Hawk's back so hard it _hurts_.

Hawk shushes him. "It's okay," he says, "I know."

It's not entirely true. He thinks he knows, but he isn't sure, and God, if it's Trap saying 'I love you, too', he wants to hear it out loud. But this isn't the time to force the issue. Whatever's happening here, what Trap needs is reassurance, not the third degree.

Trap nods. He's still holding on like Hawk's the only thing keeping him tethered to reality, but it doesn't seem so desperate anymore. Hawk kisses his forehead. "It's okay, John," he says again, and Trap nods.

"Thank you." Trap's voice is a low croak, but he sounds a little calmer.

With Trap mashed into his chest, Hawk doesn't have a lot of room to move, but he cranes his neck just enough to look over at where Beej is still standing guard.

BJ's watching, because of course he is, with a look of tenderness and concern. When Hawk catches his eye, he crosses the tent, leaning down to kiss Hawk's cheekbone and feather fingers through his hair.

The softness in it makes Hawk smile. Beej squeezes his shoulder reassuringly, then goes back to his vigil at the door. When it gets a little later (when the only thing likely to disturb them is the shout of 'incoming wounded' and they don't need to think about prying eyes for a few hours), hopefully Hawk will be able to coax Beej into joining them.

Maybe Trap will let Beej hold him too, allow himself to be cared for, but if not, well, Hawk sleeps better with BJ at his back anyway, even if the three of them make for a close fit in a lousy army cot. Hawk doesn't mind. When he's squashed tight between these two men, Korea feels almost like home.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
